DYEL - When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Lift

DYEL - When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Lift

I was thinking about topics to write about, and my husband pipes up with, “Write about husbands or boyfriends that don’t LIKE to lift.” You laugh, but this is a huge and very real topic in our house, and it has been a source of many a “lively” conversation.

Let me explain...

Related - 6 Reasons Why You Don't Even Lift

I was 300 pounds for many years. Being that big, I was embarrassed to ever go into a gym setting. I mean, really? I couldn’t even fit into booths at a restaurant, how embarrassing would it be to not fit on a machine at the gym?

So, every time I tried to diet, I went to the gym only to do the treadmill. Shocker, but I could last maybe three minutes at the most without looking like the paramedics needed to come in and jump start my heart. It was demeaning, embarrassing and subsequently overwhelming. I would come home and dive into a gallon of ice-cream to soothe my wounded ego.

Fast forward to many years later when I lost the weight and decided to start lifting. Losing weight alone was a sore spot in my marriage. My husband married me fat, we were eating buddies and had that kind of relationship for 26 years.

Once my weight was off, that is when his anger and frustration started. He wanted me to gain my weight back, and I wanted him to come with me to the gym. It was a tug of war on a massive scale.

It was too overwhelming for both of us, and it got bad real quick. In 2012 we separated. My weight loss was devastating to our marriage, and almost ended it for good.

Thank god we came to our senses. I am going on 31 years of wedded kind-of bliss. We call 2012 our blessing and our curse, because we made so many mistakes along the way, it was a beautiful tragedy.

Do you have a spouse or loved one that doesn’t like to be fit or do the same things you do? Well, here are some tips (always with the tips) to help aid your relationship so that the gym won’t come between you and your loved one...

Fit and Fat Couple

DYEL - Tips for Living With a Non-Lifter

1. You Don't Have to Share Every Interest

Just because you lost weight, lift or do something that is active doesn’t mean that your spouse or boyfriend has to do it.

I was so excited once I lost the weight, that I didn’t understand why he couldn’t get on board. I didn’t give him time to adjust and every time I left for the gym it was like I was having an affair.

You can’t make someone do something they don’t want, even if you think its for their own good. Stop making them feel like a third rate person because they don't want to do what you do.

2. Stick to Your Guns

Dont be a sissy lala and give in.

It was extremely hard to lose weight in my household. My hubby wasn’t on board.

I would come home to him buying me all my favorite things - pizza, chocolate cake and ice-cream and it was so hard not to eat these things. However, I wasn’t doing this for him.

I knew he was sabotaging me. I am no fool. I know that if tables were turned, and I wasn’t ready to lose weight, I would have done the exact same thing.

Don’t cave. The minute you do, you will feel like a loser and this will mentally spiral you out of control and could compromise all your hard work.

3. Don’t Ignore the Elephant in the Room

It got so bad, that when I was so excited that I could actually wear a tank top he would tell me not to because I looked bad. I would cry, ignore, then be pissed and angry.

I never told him anything.

I tried to shut my mouth and just figured he would get over it in time. He didn’t. If I would have talked to him about how I felt, I think that it would have made an impact.

Talk to your boyfriend or hubby about your feelings without crying or acting all crazy, which I have a tendency to do.

4. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Don’t blurt out mean things because he does.

Remember, there was a reason you fell in love with him, so look to those things. So what if he doesn’t lift with you - that doesn’t mean he’s a crappy person. Don’t say things that you will regret.

If the relationship is worth salvaging, then you need to ratchet back and really reflect on what comes out of your mouth. You don’t want to make it worse.

My husband and I said some pretty awful things to each other that can never be taken back, and it haunts us still to this day - even after being in counseling and working through our issues with each other.

Final Thoughts

A relationship is based on love and usually friendship, so you maybe totally taken aback that he is insecure with your weight loss or you lifting in the gym. Don’t brush off his feelings, but don’t give in to them, either. You are doing this for YOU, not him.

You have to stick to your guns without unloading on him because he isn’t wanting to do what you do. Its a free country, so he doesn’t have to like it.

I don’t like to do drones with my hubby nor do I like geocaching, it just isn’t my thing. He loves those things, and does them mostly on his own. We have a system now that we occasionally do what the other wants so that we can spend time together.

So I sometimes geocache and he occasionally goes to the gym. Compromise is really an intricate part in a marriage or committed relationship and can be an olive branch to your other half.

In short, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding - to a point. Don’t try to make him do stuff he doesn’t want to. Remember, these are your goals not his.

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Julie Smith - January 11, 2019

It may have to come from another girl. I would have never lifted, even if my hubby did, till I saw girls that I wanted to be like lifting stuff. She probably WOULD love it. I know I do, but it was a long road and I always thought I would look like Arnold….so lame!

Julie Smith - January 11, 2019

Its hard to have different interests, for sure.

Julie Smith - January 11, 2019

Yes, it is hard. Especially if you want to help them, because you have found what it has done for you. It has been like 4 years, and its just not his jam…

Julie Smith - January 11, 2019

HAHA! I tried bribing too, and that sooo didn’t work. I just go when he is working now, then he doesn’t get all butt hurt :)

Damon Harrison - January 11, 2019

I wish I could get my wife to lift. I know, if she ever started, she’d love it.

Jonathan Sosh - January 11, 2019

I’ve dated girls who weren’t into fitness and it was horrible. The next girl will have to be in the life.

jeff gray - January 11, 2019

great article, I used to try to get my wife exercising and eating better, but have learned over time from her and others, that you can’t make anybody want to do it, they have to want it for their own reasons, all you can do is provide support, and information when asked for it, and be ready and willing to help, when they decide to make that choice, for whatever their own reasons are.

aliya tudor - January 11, 2019

Man oh man have I been through this situation. My husband and I both have lost weight (him through diet alone and me through diet and exercising) and in the process I found a new passion- lifting. He doesn’t share the same enthusiasm for working out as I do. I have begged him and even tried bribing him to get him to go with me to the gym. No go. I’ve just accepted the fact that he doesn’t want to do it.

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